Listen, I know we’re a pretty big deal.
We’re the most-watched college football team in America.
Over 19 million people watched us beat Ohio State’s ass for the third year in a row!
I mean for God’s sake, we’re the National Champions.
So, I get it – I get why you’re obsessed with us. Without us, you’d have nothing. Nobody to think about 24/7. Nobody to do insane research about vacuums or any other Sandusky-like conspiracy theories that you may come up with.
But enough is enough.
There have to be other things you can do with your lives, right? Go take a walk, enjoy the outdoors, get a job, or all of the above.
At the very least, tweet about your own god damn team.
You’ve got a lot to look forward to this season! MSU has a new coach that can hopefully keep his hands, well I guess not to himself.
And Ohio State has the opportunity to snap a losing streak to Michigan football that goes back to before Joe Biden was even a presidential candidate!
Let’s dive into some stats:
- Spiro: You tweeted 25 times yesterday. 22 of those were either about Michigan or responses to Michigan fans. 88%! Not bad!
- Buckeye Scoop: You tweeted about 53 times yesterday. Every. Single. One. was about Michigan.
DING DING DING! We have a winner!
I’m trying to help because this isn’t healthy. So, here I am, offering you a way out. A way out of this addiction you have fallen into. Your families need you. I will donate $1,000 to a charity of choice for each of you if you can make it to September 1st without posting anything Michigan-related.
I honestly want to give this money to you. It would make me so happy. Now, it’s going to be tough, I know, because this is a true addiction after all. But I’m begging you.
We’re all begging you.
